Tough Week

Last week was tough. Reality sank in as I got confirmation of my new surgery date (July 31st at 9:00am!). I was living on a high when I found out the new date. Then reality hit, pre-op appointments started to fill my calendar, supplies needed to be bought, plans need to be put in place. I felt like the world around me was moving so fast and I was just stuck, in the middle, screaming inside “STOP!” Stop everything, stop talking to me, stop asking me questions, stop. Over that past weekend, there was the essence of time that I did not want, but was forced to embrace it, then on Monday, that sense of time went away with a snap of a finger (which is what I wanted) but the slamming on the breaks and then stepping on the gas was too much for my nervous system to keep up with. 

This is when being a mental health professional has its pros. I was able to comprehend what was happening inside of me - a form of dissociation called derealization. Where your body is living through the motions of the every day world, but my mind is so distant from reality, it felt like the world was moving so fast and I couldn’t keep up with it. Then the word “burnout” kept floating through mine with phrases like “you’re not depressed, your burned out,” “you need to put yourself first,” “you need to slow down, ground yourself.” But how? Everything is moving so fast! 

So I stopped and listened to my body. I asked, what is it that you need? It needs to be slow down, it needs to rest, it needs to be held, it needs fears to be talked about (or cried about), it needs to focus on self. I’m such a giver, it’s natural instinct to care for those around mine, it’s not natural instinct to care for myself. However, I know the value of caring for self. If you care for your self, you can then care for those around you. And right now, where I am at, with the cards I have been dealt, I need more time to tend to myself than I typically need. I need time to tend to my cancer and all the parts of me that it has activated. That is not selfish, that is self-preservation, that is compassion. I’m not able to continue to work, be a mom, be a wife, prepare for major surgery, and deal with the all the extreme thoughts going through my head. I just can’t.

So last Tuesday night, my body shut down. It couldn’t function anymore. I just sat on the couch and stared at the TV. I couldn’t write emails, didn’t want to journal, didn’t want to organize or clean the house, I didn’t want to do anything. So I laid on the couch and stared. After sitting there with my computer next to me, hoping I would find it in me to write an email, I finally honored my body where it was at, closed the computer, and gave myself permission to just be (which was to continue to stare at the tv - I think a soccer game might have been on). As I stared there, I remember thinking, this is all temporary, tomorrow will be a new day. If you rest, it might bring clarity to your tomorrow. (Thinks I always tell my clients. Think of a water bottle full of dirt. When it is being shaken - constantly moving - dirt is flying everywhere, the water is murky, it’s hard to see through it. But when you stop shaking it and the water is able to be still, the dirt settles, and sinks to the bottom. The dirt is still there, but now you can see through the water with clarity, and the dirt you’ve been dealing with isn’t taking clouding your judgement. It is more settled). So I rested in hopes my dirt would settle and I would have much more clarity the next day. 

Guess what, it worked! 

That night, I was able to come up with a care plan for myself, write a to do list, and start crossing things off of that to do list! I wouldn’t say I was in a great place, but I was able to function, think, and tap into my self. My body felt relief and I could breathe again. My world began to slow down around me and I became more grounded. It gave me space to work with my fears and to speak my needs. For me, speaking my needs is never easy. It’s not what I was programmed to do, but it is a function I’m trying to integrate into my life.

If you are interested in learning more about being burnout or that feeling of not doing enough, I recommend the book Burnout. So much of what I went through last week is explained in this book. And I use the tools daily in this book to help keep me grounded. My favorite tool - hugging your partner for 20 seconds every day!!