Telling Javi

So many people have asked “how did you tell Javi?” So this post is about us telling Javi and what it was like initially being a parent with cancer.

When we found out I had cancer, it was a non-negotiable between Antonio and I that we were going to tell Javi. Having hard conversations with our child is not something that Antonio or I were anxious about. What made me get anxious was “Am I going to do it right?” In my head, I was pretty certain of our approach, but then I started to second guess myself because this is my child - I don’t want to screw him up with what I think is best. So I reached out to Wonders and Worries. Wonders and Worries is an organization that provides free support to children and teens with parents who have a serious illness or injury. By reaching out to them, I also learned they provide parent support as well! So they helped guide us on what to say to Javi and also provided us with an incredible hand out and book recommendations to use as well. It was affirming to know that our approach was aligned with the feedback from Wonders and Worries!

Key points on having hard conversations with kids:

• Make sure you, as parents, are in control of your self. You don’t want your kids to feel like they have to take care of you. You can show some emotion, but you need to be in control of that emotion, not the emotion be in control of you.

• The child gets data from the parents to tell them how they should respond in a situation. So if Antonio and I can present ourselves in a way that this will be hard AND we will get through it AND that we are okay, then Javi will present in that same way. If we show up as worried and scared, then Javi will be worried and scared.

• Use the proper language, even if it is hard, it makes it easier in the long run

• Be honest and transparent

• Explain what is happening with what’s developmentally appropriate

So here is how it went down:

Before I start, here’s a fun fact about language in our house. Some how, don’t know how, Javi decided to name my boobs, boomsies! For this story, you will hear a lot about my boomsies!

So I was diagnosed on Tuesday and that Saturday morning we decided to tell Javi. He knew that I had biopsies done the week before because he was not allowed to tackle mommy! side note: He milked every minute he could to watch movies in bed with mom! Highly recommend Chuppa and Main Event on Netflix!

We used my biopsies as our starting point. We told him that the doctors found out that there is something growing inside of mommy’s boomsies called cancer. Javi has no connection to cancer, so to him, it’s just another word that does not hold much weight. What holds weight, is the way Antonio and I are holding our energy - which in my opinion, I think we did a fabulous job at! So we told him I had cancer in my boomsies and that I would have to get an operation or surgery to get the cancer out. We talked about the importance of a support team. We told him that mommy and daddy both have one (we told him who was on ours) and then we asked him who he wanted on his support team. Without hesitation he named all his aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It was precious! He then asked us a couple questions, thought for moment, and then said, “so you’ll be like a jack-o-lantern?” Antonio and I looked at each other for a moment, slightly puzzled at first, but then it clicked, and we were like “yea, like a jack-o-lantern!” We laughed and then he asked his daddy if he could fight him and the next thing I knew our family room had been transformed into a WWE wrestling match!

Since then, I have read two books to Javi:

• Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings

• Let Your Colors Out

They are both such wonderful, gentle books to read to children AND adults! My favorite is Let Your Colors Out because it already aligns with the way we have conversations at home and it goes right along with some of my favorite books that I read to Javi, like The Color Monster (joys of having a therapist mom!). I found a read aloud of Let Your Colors Out, so you can read the story if you like! Start the video at 1:40 (it’s about 3 minutes long).

Let Your Colors Out explains some of the varying emotions a child (or anyone) can feel when their parent (or anyone) is sick, in particular with cancer. Feel free to cover the word “cancer” in the book with any other illness if you need to.

Javi had expressed to Antonio in the car that weekend that he missed his mommy. Since I got my diagnosis, I kind of checked out of being present and went into full control, prep mode. My mind was racing and trying to create all of these plans professionally and personally. Sunday evening, Javi and I started to clash. We always clash when I’m not meeting my needs because I have very little patience for him. He then gets more clingy and more demanding. A perfect storm. I could feel the explosion of emotions building up inside of me. I was feeling awful as I’m not being there for my child, but yet I “had” to prepare. I felt like I was failing in all areas. I sent my older sister a text, “I need you to come over now and bring Will (my nephew).”

I was trying so hard to hold the tears back because I knew once I let them out, it was going to be big, something I was not wanting Javi to see. As I waited for my sister to come over, Javi was begging me to play with him. So I tried. We were wrestling with pillows. I kept putting the pillow in front of my face so tears could leak through onto the pillow instead of down my face. Then Javi started throwing all these powers at me, so I decided to get creative and through “tear blades” at him. I kept shooting them out, one by one, then faster and faster! He thought it was cool! So cool, the next day he threw tear blades at me (minus the actual tears)!

My sister and nephew finally got to our house. They had no idea what they were about to walk into. I quickly greeted Will and told him to go play with Javi. And I just pointed to our guest bedroom and hoped Jennifer could read my body language and need. It didn’t work out that smoothly. I think I collapsed in the hallway and then we eventually made it to the guest bedroom where I collapsed again and had that hyperventilating cry. I knew I had to have someone hold me at that time. The emotions were too big for myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been that vulnerable with my sister and it felt soooo good! She held me and I cried. Then of course, Javi heard me, and barged in wanting to see what’s happening. I told him to go play and he insisted on staying. I had no energy to fight him or persuade him otherwise. So I had to take a deep breath and figure something out. And I did. And I feel like we had a very profound moment. I explained to him what was happening. I told him mommy needed to have a “tantrum” just like how you need to have a “tantrum” when you get big confusing emotions. He understood that. And the best part about Javi’s tantrum’s is the connection we make after the release. He always crawls into my lap and I hold him and we rock back and forth him until he’s ready to talk. And then we talk about what happened, what would we do differently, and then we move on. So after my big “tantrum” he then looked at me and said, “Aunt Jen is on your comfort team.” I said, “yes.” And then I said, “Will is here to play with you so you can have fun while Aunt Jen supports me.” I think he walked out at that moment, but maybe not. I don’t remember!

But what I do remember is feeling so raw in that moment and very humbled that I actually got to have that experience with Javi and my support team. Javi got to see that it is okay not to be okay, and that there are people to support you when you need it. He also got to see how much better I felt after letting my colors out. I’m hoping that he has also noticed the switch in mindset I did that night. I realized that night that I had no control on what was happening in my life, so I was trying to get control of everything else. While trying to get that control, I was not being present, I was tense and cranky, and not fun to be around. That’s not how I want to live. So I changed. I’m now trying to be more present and making sure that I am there for Javi and Antonio. They are my rocks, my foundation, and my joys! I feel so much lighter, and ironically more in control, after I had that big release Sunday night. I’m so grateful my support team dropped everything and came over to be with us, because we needed it. THANK YOU!!!

So that is my story on Let Your Colors Out. Adults have colors that are just as overwhelming and confusing as kids. It’s okay for everyone to Let Their Colors Out and our colors will be flowing through this upcoming season!