Surgery Date

Surgery Date: Tuesday, August 13th

My Initial Response

DAMN! Not what I was hoping for nor wanting. I found out I had cancer on June 11th and my first Oncology appointment on June 13th. At that appointment, she told me she could get me in for surgery in about 2-3 weeks if we wanted to move fast. She also told me it is okay if I wanted to slow down and think about it, but highly recommended I get the surgery done before September. I was like September - hell no! Get this out of me ASAP! I just had to decide between lumpectomy or mastectomy. During that appointment we also talked about an end goal of being healed and cancer free by the new year - is that possible?! We had just put a down payment on a trip to Kenya to see the work that Antonio’s non profit, Science in a Suitcase, is doing! My doctor didn’t make any promises (because you can’t with cancer), but she said she will make a note of that and is pretty confident I can be healed by then if we do everything back to back and start quickly. So on June 19th, I messaged the oncologist back saying I’ve made a decision - bilateral mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction! The nurse responded saying she will contact the doctor and start coordination.

On June 27th, I had my two week follow up with my surgeon oncologist and really thought we were going to get my surgery date then. Well, we didn’t. What I gathered from that appointment, is that I needed to first get established as a patient with the plastic surgeon THEN they can coordinate schedules. She gave me the expected dates of either the last week in July or the first week or so in August. I was bummed, that I had to wait another week or two to get my surgery, but I adjusted and was okay with it - maybe we misunderstood the time line at our first appointment. Maybe it will be 2 to 3 weeks after you meet with the plastic surgeon. So I met with plastic surgeon on Friday, July 5th. I learned she pretty much schedules around the oncologist, so there shouldn’t be any hold up on their end. So I got my hopes up, that maybe I’ll have my surgery the last week in July! So after my July 5th appointment, they sent orders over to my oncologist, I texted message my oncologist, and messaged their portal, saying we are ready to go!

I did not get a response back from them until Friday (I did send a follow up message on Thursday). I was working, of course, when she was calling me. She left a voicemail and messaged me in the patient portal informing me of the date - August 13th.

I felt deflated. I could feel the tears coming. AUGUST 13th - 1) why on the 13th - what’s up with that? I’m not a numbers person, but still 13 sits a little wonky in me. That happened to also be the number when they scheduled my C-section - on the 13th. So I’m thinking “I guess that number is now my lucky surgery number!” 2) AUGUST 13th - that is like forever away!!! Today is July 13th!! That is a MONTH away! I have to wait a whole other month and think about this for another month! Let alone, I already decreased my work load in half at work to prepare for my surgery. I have professional bills to pay for (perfect timing on becoming a business owner) and personal bills to pay for. Now, I’m being delayed another month?! I would have played my cards differently at work if I knew I wasn’t going under until mid-august! I would have kept a full case load through July. There are not even words to describe how I feel about that!!! I was at the care farm (where I work) when I found out my surgery date. One of my dear colleagues held space for my anger (I don’t even know if I was crying yet but I was definitely angry) and asked “Do you want to throw some bad eggs?” Looking back, I wished I paused and said yes as I can still feel my body boiling inside of me while I write this post. But at that time, I said no. I had two phone consultation to make that day and one more session to go. I also needed to call the oncologist back, to ask “Are you sure that is the earliest date you can give me?”
So I leave work and call the oncologist back, if you ever had the privilege of working with Texas Oncology you know how hard it is to get through to your actual office. So the lady answering the phone told me they left a note for the nurse to call me back. So I then messaged her on the portal asking for a call back. Never got a call back (not surprised since it was a Friday afternoon, but still annoyed). I will be texting the doctor tonight and messaging the portal again tonight asking to speak with someone tomorrow morning.

Now - My “OH SHIT” Response (grab the kleenex box)

About 15 minute after finding out my surgery date, I finally connected another dot. My surgery date is set for the FIRST day of school, which means Javi’s first day of kindergarten! I will be going in for major surgery the first day my little boy starts kindergarten. Oh man, I cried and cried and cried. Because that was something else we talked to the oncologist about because I was already feeling grief at the idea of not being able to take Javi to school depending on where I was in the recovery process. I remember my doctor saying “you probably won’t be able to drive him to school, but you can still totally take him to school.” And then our oncologist went on to tell us about how emotional she was when she had to drop her child off at Kindergarten! So after that appointment, I shifted my mindset that our first day of Kindergarten won’t be like others, but we will have our own sweet (or stressful) story. Well now, it really won’t be like others! I’m still trying to process it. On Friday (the day I found out my surgery date), I was in catastrophizing mode. Every thought I had was ending in a catastrophe. I’m not even going to share those thoughts because they are so irrational but that is where my brain took me. I then had to ground myself, and think about what if we do change the date. What would you want? 2nd day of school?? A week later?? Hell no, those dates would be just as bad. I don’t want to delay this surgery, I want this cancer out of me! And is there a difference between the 1st day of school and 2nd day of school? I felt like the 2nd day of PreK4 was harder than the first day! (Javi is just like his mama, he has separation anxiety and is very cautious in new environments, once he feels safe, he flourishes). So there really is no difference between the 1st or 2nd day of school - what’s going to make the biggest difference is how we prepare Javi (and myself), making sure he has a felt sense of safety at school, and getting him in a routine. So with that being said, Javi going to Kindergarten was already going to be an emotional time for me and my younger self but now it is going to be extra hard! Now I’m back to shifting my mindset, again. Instead of taking my child to school in recovery mode, my family will be taking him to school, and I will be going in for surgery.

About 36 hours or so has passed since I found out my date. My “oh shit” part is starting to settle. I’m able to see it from a bittersweet angle. My surgery is 4.5 weeks away, gives me more time to prepare, process through all these big emotions, and start that week in a place of “I will overcome and be okay,” instead of in a place of catastrophe. It’ll take a lot of therapy on my own part to get there, but I know I will get there. I will have a plan in place for me on how I will hold and juggle all those big emotions in one day - my son starting Kindergarten, major surgery, loosing my boobs!

This also gives me time to throw myself a Boob Voyage party or a Tata to the Titties party! Something to distract myself and give me something to look forward too! Everyone knows how much I love a good themed party!!

I am ever so grateful for my family and friends. My family immediately said they will be there for Javi on his first day and make sure he is loved for and care for while I am in surgery. I know they will take such good care of him.

And maybe if we get lucky, I can have my surgery the week before school starts. Maybe. I’ll let you know tomorrow if that wish becomes a reality.

Number theory:

All my dates are landing on the 13th!! Interesting. First oncology apt on the June 13th, found out my surgery date on July 13th, and now going in for surgery on August 13th. Or is this the lucky 3’s? Maybe 13 is my lucky number, after all, that is the day Javi was born on!