The roller coaster that never ends

Feeling down. The emotional and physical roller coaster continues. I hadn’t been writing because I got a bug and/or infection that zapped my energy away. I could barely get out of bed because I was so tired. I had a cough and a running nose. I tested for covid and flu - both were negative. I also had a "pimple” or an “abscess” on my left noob - which could be a sign of an infection not a cold. So my surgeon decided to put me on yet, another antibiotic.

Friday, September 6th, I woke up so overwhelmed with life. A different reality of cancer was hitting me and it was making me feel incredibly anxious. Time is approaching where I have to eventually sift through my pile of mail and start paying off medical bills. The realization I haven’t received an income for 6 weeks and won’t for a while sunk in. The financial burden is real. You try to apply for grants, but they are not easy, and each one has it’s own criteria and when you can submit it. I quickly learned too, that you have to apply for some grants before your mastectomy, a month before, not afterwards! Its frustrating because you are supposed to apply for some grants before you get treatment, but during that window, your worry is through the roof with the idea of just knowing you have cancer and attending doctor appointments and figuring out how you want your treatment plan to go. And then on top of that, you need about a month’s notice between application of grant and date of surgery. By the time I was able to get to looking at grants, my surgery was two weeks away! And then you are also trying to burn the midnight oil wrapping things up at work before you go on medical leave, so you barely even have time to apply for the grants before surgery. I’m so grateful for organizations offering grants, but I’m also so frustrated that the process is so time consuming.

My anxiety was also increasing because I hadn’t heard back from my doctor’s office with a date - they just told me someone would call me back, hopefully in a week. So that Friday, I called my doctor’s seeing if a date had been set. The lady responded, “yes, I see your name on the list, let me see what I can do. Can I call you back?” So I waited for a call back. Hours go by and I hear nothing. So I decided at 2:00pm, I will call them back before they start to shut down for the weekend. The kind lady picked up and responded, “yes, we were able to get you scheduled for Tuesday, October 8th.” Tears rolled down my face. At that moment in time, October 8th felt so far away, we had just started September. The only thing I could think of, 5 more weeks of no income. I was hoping my surgery would have been in a couple weeks. I cried, mostly because of the new financial reality of having cancer and being out of work. It’s such a hard balance of doing what’s best for yourself and doing what you have to do to pay the bills. I could go back to work, but my mind and body is not ready and I still need to rest my body to prepare for surgery two. Only reason I would be going back to work is to relieve the financial burden, but what other burdens and stressors would I be picking up?

I want to take a moment to thank everyone that contributed to my Go Fund Me page. I can’t explain to you how much that meant to us and what huge weight it took off of our shoulders. I am also incredibly grateful to have family support. It is a humbling process to to know that they will help us. We won’t have to refinance our house or have bills sent to collections due to my cancer and I am incredibly grateful for that. My heart is heavy though for those families that don’t have support and where this financial burden I am feeling, they are feeling much heavier and deeper. It saddens me.

So over the weekend, I gave myself a lot of space. Allowed myself to be in a mood, and I was definitely in a mood.

By the end of the weekend, I had more acceptance of the surgery date, knowing that this date really only delayed me by two or three weeks. I was hoping to return back to work mid October-November. Now it will be mid-November, hopefully. This date will give my body more time to regain strength for surgery two and allow myself to hopefully be in a better place mentally.

During the weekend, I also made a list of things I want to do during this time. I’ve now been given a gift of time, something we are always yearning for, so what am I going to do with it now? So I came up with a good list and got excited!

Then Monday came. There was absolutely no motivation to do anything off my list. My body was still zapped from the cold. Still congested. Zero energy. Felt deflated again with a little bit of fear wondering if I was sick or depressed. So I rested, but it was restless. I felt so distracted while trying to binge watch tv - which is something I’ve been craving to do! When will I get my energy back?

Feeling up. Then Friday came, September 13th, and all of a sudden, I got my energy back! It felt so good! I hung out with some really good friends (we actually figured out, we’ve been doing our happy hour get togethers for 15 years!) and then on Saturday, we birthday hopped from one kid party to the next. It felt so good to be human again and connect with family and friends! And then on Sunday, we went to Cherrywood to listen to Antonio’s kid show. Afterwards, we came home, and as Javi puts it, we became “gamers” and played board games all afternoon. And then my sister’s family came over for dinner and some Uno Attack!

Here I am on Monday, doing pretty well. I’ve reoriented myself to the present and not being afraid of the future. We will make it through one day at a time. Right now, I’ve been given the gift of time to focus on myself so that is what I will be doing.

I actually have more energy than I was expecting after such a full weekend. I was expected to be a zombie today, but I’m not! I’m about to leave to get my CT scan to map out all my blood vessels for surgery two. And then I’m going to meet up with some colleagues/friends!

Tomorrow, I have my pre-op appointment where my caregiver (my mom) has to be in attendance. At this appointment, we will learn everything we need to learn on how to care for me after this surgery.

And then on Wednesday, I have my pre-op appointment with the hospital where they do their checks and balances to make sure I’m ready for surgery on their end.

After these series of appointments, I should be appointment free until surgery two!

I will start Pilates back up on Thursday!

PSA: I absolutely love my doctor’s office and believe they have my best interest at heart, but if I didn’t call them, I would have been waiting for them to get to my name on the list, which would have been who knows how long. They were incredibly kind when I called and not at all aggravated that I was checking in on the progress. Moral of this story, be your advocate! Don’t wait around for them to call you, you call them!