Pink October

Whoa, I’m now understanding why the Boobie Queen hosted a “pep rally” support group to get breast cancer thrivers and survivors ready for Pink October. I honestly attended it just to connect with people and to see how a support group was run for people with breast cancer since that is something I am new interested in doing. Well, this group exceeded my expectations. It was the most meaningful group I’ve attended - it was about being present with yourself and noticing what’s happening in your body. They talked about the mixed of emotions that most breast cancer thrivers and survivors feel during this month. Some feel empowered, others want to advocate, while some want to curl up and hide, and others want to punch anything and everything that is pink. The leader encouraged us to think of a word that we want to take with us into this month. Since this will be my first pink October, I really had no idea what to expect, so my word was “permission.” Permission to feel whatever comes up.

Leading into this month I was feeling empowered. I wanted to share with people what I’ve learned about breast cancer, the importance of mammograms, and organizations to support. I was feeling so empowered that I even started a Newsletter Post about Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM) about the organizations that have helped us through this season and different ways you can either support us or the community. We even started to design our own t-shirts that reflect our journey to help bring in supplemental income for us. I was kind of excited.

Then October 1 hit, the text messages started flowing in. Invitations started coming in for breast cancer events. The reality became deeper, “I’m now in this club.” To feel so loved and supported brings out such an overwhelming feeling inside. I’m trying really hard to give myself permission to receive this love and support. I’m so much better at giving it. Receiving it, it’s like a deep vulnerability, a place that I don’t go to very often. It doesn’t hurt, but it is uncomfortable. And it does flood my face with tears. But crying is okay, it’s what we do when we have no words. It’s also a detox to the body. So this crying is a good thing. I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since October 1 (and I was on a good 3-4 week streak of no crying!).

It’s amazing the shift of energy I feel from being an ally of the club to being in the club. Be gentle to those in the club this month. It’s an amazing feeling to be seen and supported, but it can also be overwhelming. Being gentle doesn’t mean avoiding, it just means be ready to hold whatever emotion they are feeling. It reminds me of the actions of Piglet in the Difficult Day with Winnie the Pooh.  

Tomorrow (October 4) is Pink Out Day at Javi’s school. Wish me luck!

I also might be having bigger than normal emotions right now as my surgery is in FIVE days. So much to do to prepare for it. And I might have just popped an expander stitch last night. I’m back to being monitored by my doctor, back to being on a lift restriction, and no heavy exercising, only daily movements for living. I wasn’t able to go to Pilates today nor can I go tomorrow. Pilates is such a good release for me. I also have my first cancer event this Sunday, where Olympian rowers were partnering up with my surgeon to take her patients out on the water to teach them how to row to celebrate our bodies. I was so incredibly looking forward to this event. We aren’t sure if I can still go. I’m hoping so, buy maybe not. Maybe they’ll let me be the coxswain - but I don’t know if my body can fit into that tiny space liked it used to…

To end this post, I’ll share a quote Javi shared with us after one of his tantrums as he was looking through his coping skill toolbox (that he had shredded): “Mommy, what’s this for?” “It’s Kleenex saying it’s okay to cry.” “But Mommy, isn’t that why we have a coping skill box so we don’t cry? So then why is crying one of my tools if we aren’t supposed to cry?” Well played, my child. The complexities of our society - we are conditioned not to cry, but yet, crying is a very healthy, natural response to the events in our life.