One year since diagnosis

Hello! It has been such a long time since I last wrote. One word why: exhaustion. I felt like January and February, I was living in the honeymoon phase of recovery. Excited to be done with treatment, excited to not see a cancer doctor on a weekly basis, excited to reemerge back into life.

Well, I think reemerge too much, too soon, too fast. Life was great, and then I hit a wall and reality slapped me across the face and I collapsed with exhaustion coming to terms what my body has gone through this past year.

I absolutely do not regret going on our trip to Africa, however, I would never recommend anyone to do such a big trip 4 months after major surgery. Adrenaline got me through the trip, but not much farther after that.

My last post I talked about finding my new rhythm and the spoon theory. Now, I’m working on accepting my new rhythm and really learning how I use my spoons. While I heal, I feel like my body only gives me 4 spoons/day instead of 8 spoons/day. It is tough. I have to prioritize everything we do in our day, to our week, to our month. Antonio is being very protective of my sleep and allowing me to sleep in each morning and especially on the weekends! I’m so grateful for that. Javi is loving the much added video game time he’s been given so I can sleep more.

I froze my pilates account bc pilates has been too much on my body. I come home even more exhausted and my body aches (not the good soar, but a bad pain). So it’s on pause until I’m ready to return.

Needless to say, I’m now seeing a Chiropractor that specializes in system chiropractor work - meaning he focuses on the whole body and how all the system work together and finding your natural rhythm. Aligns so much with how I do mental work with my clients. Let’s just say I feel like we are a good fit for each other! He took X-rays and he identified I have a nice curve in my spinal chord around my shoulder blades which explains the back and neck pain I have been feeling on my right side (even before my surgeries). He says I probably got that curve being a big chested girl. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to recalibrate my body and understand what good posture means and looks like for me. He’s giving me exercises to do daily to help with my posture and to realign my back so I can re-engage my muscles into everyday use. Right now, I can’t even engage my lats which makes sense why I could never “find them” in pilates.

I’ve also started Neurofeedback and I do not have enough words to describe how impactful neurofeedback has been for me. It has gotten my body out of fight or flight mode and I’m no longer living in a hypervigilant state. It feels so freeing! We are still working on getting my brain waves to be balanced in the brain, but at least my beta waves (I think that’s the one) aren’t firing constantly! Let’s just say, I’ve been so impressed with the results that I am currently looking into becoming certified in Neurofeedback.

I’m still swollen in the trunk. Still doing my lympathetic pump every day. I’m programmed to do 2 hours/day, but I just can’t meet that goal, so I’ve cut it back to 1 hour and feeling much more content with reaching that goal. I went through a “hate” relationship with my pump in March and April. I began to despise it and got real frustrated that this might just become a daily activity for me for life. I’ve moved through that frustration, and now it’s just an annoyance, but I really do feel the difference after I do it, so it is worth it. Just annoying that I have to do it daily. If I miss a couple days, I feel it and start to feel miserable.

I’ve learned what it means to live life with a history of cancer. May was incredibly stressful for me as I waited my 6 month follow up MRI for a cysts on my pancreas (IPMN for exact name). My breast speciality told me in February they will probably want to take it out, so I was slightly panicking on the inside because I’ve been so exhausted, I don’t know how my body would make it through another surgery. Anyways, I dedicated one night to research pancreatic cysts, reviewing my MRI report, coming up with questions to ask base off the results of my upcoming MRI. Let’s just say the research wasn’t fun nor reassuring, but I at least felt confident in my knowledge of what was happening inside of me. So to help keep my mind occupy through to my MRI and then to my appointment, I picked up playing Suduko. It has been so therapeutic for me!!! I loved playing it and I can’t tell you how many puzzles I completed that month. Best part is, I even got Javi hooked on Sudoko and we will work on puzzles together. I had my oncology apt the last week in May, and my oncologist described me as “cysty” person. Right now, she is not concerned with my cyst (I have other cysts on my liver too). It was liquid, not solid, and did not grow in size. There was also no dilation to my ducts and my cysts is side branched and not in the main area. So all good news. No surgery!!!!! I had no idea how much weight I was carrying about that appointment until we left and I felt such a relief. My cysts is being monitored (since it is pre-cancerous) and I’ll be going back to my oncologist in a year for another MRI and follow up appointment. My GI doctor is also aware of it and will be monitoring it as well. So that is one perk to having cancer - everyone is watching over your body!

So yeah, life has beeb tough. My days consist of work, brain training, back exercises, lymphatic pump, wearing compression gear, and showing up for Antonio and Javi. I apologize if I’m slow to respond back to text or phone calls (or forget), it’s not you, it’s 100% me!

I don’t regret my choices, but man, recovery is no joke. I love being smaller chested! I love being able to go to the store and buy clothes! I love the option of not having to wear a bra!

I look forward to going to target to buy a swimsuit this season! There’s been a lot of positives. Another positive is how close this experience has brought us together as a family. Antonio and I feel closer than ever. Overall, we are doing well. Just moving at a slower pace, and prioritizing my healing so hopefully one day, I can build back up to having 8 spoons/day instead of 4!