One Month Post Diep

I can’t believe it has been a month since my diep surgery. Where has time gone?

It feels like we have been running 99mph for the past five months and we can now see the light at the end of the tunnel or have made it through the tunnel. All we know is that collectively as a family, we are exhausted. This past weekend we did absolutely nothing except rest our bodies and nervous systems. Antonio slept in until 10:00am and then took a nap on Saturday - that is unheard of for him (not for me). Javi didn’t even want to do anything, so we had a movie marathon day with lots of snuggles. We then ordered in pizza for dinner (because none of us were going to get off the couch) and it was delicious! It was actually a beautiful weekend, a weekend that shows we did it and now we get to rest. You get to rest when you feel safe, at peace. We finally got to rest as a family as we endured this past season together. Now we are looking forward to celebrating life and family as we approach the holiday season! It could not have come at a more perfect time!

There’s so much going on, that I’ll divide this into three parts: physical, mental, and emotional. And of course, these topics all blend together, so I’ll do my best.

PHYSICALLY

Physically, I’m doing really well! This surgery was brutal at the beginning, but then you make a turn and it is not so bad. My incisions are closed and starting to turn into scars. I’m still swollen and will be for some time. It can take up to about 4 months for all major swelling to go down. When I first got out of surgery and looked at my chest, I was like “oh my gosh, those are so much bigger than I thought they would be.” I was actually loving the smaller life versus the larger life, but thank goodness, the size has gone down! I’m curious to see what happens in the next couple of months. I’ve also developed hips, I now have more of an hour glass figure then a board figure. Not sure if this is the result of the surgery, or if it’s swelling. People have asked to see pictures, other people have no desire. I’ll post one picture at the bottom of this newsletter so if interested in seeing, you can scroll to the bottom. It’ll be a picture of me in a compressing bra (think sports bra) and sweats.

What does it feel like? So I’ll start with the chest. I have no feeling in the chest so I really never felt the chest through this process. My chest never bothered me or caught my attention. It’s crazy too as I did get another rash with this surgery and it looks fiesty, but since I had no feeling, I didn’t notice it! So that was awesome. Now, I’m starting to feel “underground” pain. It’s like the deep stuff - I’m thinking muscles. It’s not a constant feeling, but if I twist or turn in a certain way or pick something up, I feel it and I have that reminder that I had major surgery there. I don’t know if my body is still healing from my lymph node removal or if it’s from this surgery, but I still feel tightness under my arm pits. Now that I’ve been released to sleep on my side, I need to sleep with pillows under my arms for comfort. I also sleep with a pillow on my chest. Two reasons 1) because it is comfortable and the perfect holder for my arms (it hurts if I sleep with my arms tucked up near my chest, it’s as if something is folding in my chest that is not ready to be folded) 2) it’s a barrier for when javi jumps into bed with me. Javi now sleeps with his own barrier as well.

As I move below my chest, I used to have pain, like two vertical trips going from breast bone to hip, but that pain has subsided. The dr said that pain is due to the internal stitches they did to help pull my tummy down to help keep it in place. (This surgery is so fascinating).

Now I notice a tight feeling going around my upper rib cage - its like a tight rubber band or belt. It’s like wearing super hight waisted jeans, and whenever you bend down you feel it. It’s now as bad as wearing jeans bc it’s not a constant “suffocation” feeling, only when I bend down.

Moving down to my hips. My incision no longer hurts. It just itches, and itching is sign of healing, so it’s a good thing, even though it’s annoying.

I also don’t have feeling in most of my abdominal region. There are two patches on the outside of abdominal region that has feeling and it is so weird to be able to feel there and no where else. Only time will tell how much feeling I’ll gain back over time.

There’s also a constant tightness in my skin as they had to pull my skin down to cover the flaps (tissue) that were removed. It feels just the way it sounds. It almost reminds me how my skin felt during pregnancy, but not quite.

I can pretty much stand fully straight! When standing straight, I 100% feel the stretching of the skin and the tightness. It does not hurt though, but I am always fully aware of it.

My stomach does not feel like it has anywhere to expand when I eat. If I eat a full meal, it feels like I just ate thanksgiving and I’m wearing my stretching pants (so that’s not the issue). This feeling reminds me a lot of how I felt after my acid reflux surgery. So I’m taking smaller bites of food, chewing my food real well, and eating smaller portions. I have to make sure I’m eating the protein first so my body gets full on food that will heal my body the quickest.

I saw my general doctor yesterday and she was amazed at how quickly my body was healing and the health of my scars! So kudos to eating healing food through this process because evidently it is working!

My biggest struggle right now is energy/stamina and back ache. These are both common symptoms from this surgery, it’ll just take time for me to get my energy back and my back pain will go away as I re-engage my core back into living.

I’m still not able to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds and got release last week to do brisk/moderate exercise that will get my heart rate up like walking. So for the past week or so I’ve been focusing on walking at a faster speed and or longer distance. I go in next week for my next appointment, so we shall see if I get released to go back to a modify pilates. Fingers crossed.

EMOTIONALLY

Besides being physically tired and emotionally drained from the past five months, I’m doing pretty well! This surgery is about rebuilding and growth and that is what it feels like emotionally. Its a nice change of pace. Right now, I’m in the healing and rest process.

Javi’s big emotions have also gone down (thank goodness!). I’m also trying really hard to give him much needed mom time, so I think our slumber parties together on the couch have been super helpful to him along with playing games together. Antonio and I are also really focus on doing things together as family. Javi was so excited when he found out that I was going to go with them to meet up with friends at a brewery - he was like “really mommy? you are coming!” with the biggest smile on his face!

After a round of antibiotic and then a steroid, I think his asthma is finally under control. That was also a bumpy path for us that took from us emotionally and physically as well. Trying to recover from my surgery and having a five year old take prednisone, no thank you! But we made it through and all our bodies are doing better now. Phew!

MENTALLY

So this is a big one. I don’t even know where to begin and this will take me a while to write. Here are some topics that have been sprouting in my head since my surgery (to clarify, these topics have been in my head way before surgery, but now I am experiencing them from a different lens):

• skinny privilege

• diet culture

• bikini complex

• the filter in which see ourselves

• the filter in which see the world

• HAES (Health at every size) to what does the number really mean on the scale

• What makes me whole

• Women’s rights - rights for reconstruction, rights to freeze eggs (I didn’t have to come across this conversation for myself since we had decided before I got cancer that we were done creating children, but if we weren’t in that place, then there would have been numerous (and heavy) conversations about what cancer treatment would look like in conjunction with family planning - huge topic for young cancer patients)

STOP SCROLLING IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE PICTURES! They aren’t gruesome, but if you are a squimishy person, it could make you squimish. I am wearing a compression bra, so chest is concealed.