Liberation

Be a “flattie” or go to the “diep” side?

These two opposing worlds that I never knew existed, is now flooding my newsfeeds with peoples’ stories, pictures, and experiences about going “flat” or going “diep” (pronounced like “deep”). I’ve been up countless nights researching and reading about peoples’ experiences debating which world do I want to be a part of.

Background info. No matter what, I have to have a second surgery. My original plan was to reconstruct with diep. So during my double mastectomy (DMX) they left all my extra “boob” skin and inserted expanders to prepare room for the “stuffing.” My plastic surgeon described it as if they left the pillow case after my dmx (my extra skin), and now during my second surgery, Diep, they will then fill the pillow case up with my belly fat.

Since having my dmx, I noticed being flat isn’t that bad. I kind of like the way my chest looks, which then triggered a huge debate within myself, do I just go flat or do I rebuild? Two different types of reconstruction options for me.

Choices. I hate making decisions. I was a middle child growing up. I was conditioned to go with the flow and make the best out of it. I’m a “cup is half full type of person.” If someone were to give me burnt coffee, I would find a way to repurpose it and put it back into the soil. So to be honest, if I had no choice, I would be fine being flat and I would be fine rebuilding. The hard part is, I have a choice!!! I have a choice on how I want my body to look! Whoa, that is huge! I don’t have to learn how to live with “burnt coffee” and make the best of it, I can choose to live with my “pinkies up fancy craft cocktails” that I love so much! What an overwhelming revelation! What is it that I want?

Statistics and Depression. Remember in a post I wrote before my dmx about my choice to reconstruct? If not, here it is: A complex tale of a girl and her body (sorry, I can’t figure out how to link it, one would think that would be an easy action to do…). One of the reasons I choose to reconstruct was due to the increase in depression with being flat. Since then, I’ve come to the conclusion that statistic may or may not be accurate.

This takes me back to my college years when I was attending my nutrition class taught by an extremely liberal professor and I was immersed in the purity culture through the church. Both groups, although they held opposing sides, both shared the same statistic about STDs. The catch is, both sides spun their story, to deliver their message, to go with that statistic.

I feel like a similar thing is happening here. There is more to the statistic than what meets the eye. Who is the story teller and what is their purpose? For me, I have so many more questions to be curious about. Before my dmx, I read that people who go flat are at a higher rate of depression. How many of those were given a choice to to being flat or to rebuild? What was their cancer journey like? How many of them were not given a choice and had to go flat due to medical reasonings? How many of them struggled with their body acceptance before breast cancer? How many surgeries have they already been through? Chemo? Radiation? Was this statistic taken a month post op? a year post op? 5 years? 10 years? Did they have a support team? Did they have a choice? So many confounding factors that go into this statistic that we need to be aware of. I’ve learned through this process, that there are also people who have also gone diep and have depression. Some of them felt like they were pressured into this surgery due to the constructs of what it means to be female, some of them were pressured into this surgery due to their doctor’s or partner’s desires, some of them did not know there was a choice to go flat, some of them experienced complications with the surgery, some had no idea what this surgery entailed, some of them did not like the results. Once again, so many confounding variables that I have deemed it inappropriate to say going flat is linked to depression nor is getting reconstruction linked to depression. What I believe is linked to depression is the lack of choice, knowledge, support (mentally, emotionally, and physically), and acceptance.

My choice. I will say, I can write a thesis on why people should go flat and I can write a thesis on why people should go diep. There is no right or wrong, it comes down to the individual, their cancer journey, their body, and their choice.

The whole time I’ve been contemplating this decision, there’s always been a visual of a pie graph in my mind. Before surgery it was 95% diep, 5% flat. After surgery, it went for a hot day 60% flat, 40% diep, but all other days, the majority of the pie has been diep. I don’t know if I will ever be 100% certain, are we ever? But I do know the majority of me is constantly leaning towards the diep, AND I have been honoring and getting to know the part of me that wants to go flat. The shift in pie percentages is typically attributed to the stories or quotes I read online in my support groups. I’ve joined groups for flatties only (since I’m currently flat, I’m allowed in) and groups who’ve “gone to the diep side.” To be honest, the experiences are very similar. There are people from both sides who think their decision was the best decision ever and would do it all over again, there are people on both sides with complications and multiple surgeries, there are people who regret their decision, there are people living and thriving and living their best life, and there are people who are hiding and in pain and trying to figure out how to move forward. So no matter what I choose, it is going to be a hard road. My body is changing no matter what I choose due to a horrible thing called cancer. My body will never be what it once was. It is 100% certain, I will have a new body. A new body to become familiar with, a new body to fall in love with, and a new body to live with. What’s going to affect my outcome the most is my mindset. I’m not asking to rebuild the same body, I’m not asking for a better body, I’m just asking for a functional body. I actually found this quote today (ironically in a flattie group):

I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to keep saying I survived. I don’t want to be the person who is admired for making it through hellfire, because I don’t want to have to walk through it at all. I want rest and peace. I want a life I can live not one I have to survive. -JD Lynn

It was those two sentences that resonated with me the most. “I want rest and peace. I want a life I can live not one I have to survive.”

To go flat? There’s a part of me that wants to go flat to challenge social norms and the constructs which society uses to define femininity and womanhood. There was a part of me that felt like if I were to rebuild, I’m conforming to social norms. It was tearing me up at night because I’m not one to conform. I felt like my chest was becoming a political platform and I was on a mission to dismantle these constructs. And then I was having lunch with a dear family friend and she said, “whoa, that’s a lot of weight to hold on your chest (pun intended?!)” I thought to myself, “I literally just freed myself of the weight I’ve been carrying! Do I really want to put this weight on me? Do I really want my decision to be a platform?” I felt like I needed to have a narrative, no matter my choice, defending my decision. Because unfortunately, even in the breast cancer world, there are people who believe strongly about their decision. The loudest people on both sides have become very judgmental of the other side. It’s awful. This is an intimate choice for myself, not some political platform I need to defend for the rest of my life.

I want to be in a place where we get to celebrate each other for this near impossible decision we are forced to make due to this thing called cancer. Our choice should be our choice with no pressure, no guilt, no judgement, no fear. Our choice should be celebrated. Each one of us has a different path, different values, different views of self, the world, and our bodies. Each one of us is deserving and worthy of making a choice that feels right to us, regardless if we choose differently than each other. Let’s celebrate each other, and be each other’s champions because no matter what what choice we make, it is going to be hard and our body is going to change. We will need support to get through it

Going Diep? So I don’t know why, but the majority of my self has always wanted to go Diep. This past week, I’ve really explored why. Some of the critics say going diep isn’t natural, going flat is natural. I’m such a natural girl that I wanted to choose the most “natural” option. Then one of my colleagues/friends sent me a card in the mail. She included this writing from Mary Oliver’s poem, White Flowers: never in my life had I felt so near that porous line where my own body was done with and the roots and the stems and the flowers began.

Those words brought tears to my eyes and my exact thought was, “rebuilding is what is natural for me. I get an opportunity to build new roots, and stems, and let the flowers begin!” How beautiful is that?

Then at my plastic surgeon’s office the following day, I found this sticker:

To me, diep reconstruction is the natural way for me to rebuild. I’ve had conversations with my body and it does not feel like flat is natural to me. It feels like something is missing. Once again, if I had no choice, I would be fine being flat, but since I have a choice, my body is wanting something on the chest (not something huge, dear no! but something). My belly even told me, with a giggle jiggle, “I’ve been working so hard getting you ready for this surgery! Don’t let me down, I want to do this.” So for me, this is what feels natural and right to me.

Now, this surgery is not an easy one! I am incredibly lucky that I happen to be living where one of the top surgeons in the nation (maybe world) who specializes in this surgery resides. Her fail rate is .06% and she does about 3 of these surgeries a week. She is an expert in this field. The skill level of the surgeon makes a huge difference on the outcome of this surgery. If she wasn’t my surgeon, then I’m not sure if I would still go this route. But since she is my surgeon, I’m going to go for it! One of the biggest choice I have ever made for myself! And I am so grateful to have Antonio by my side!

Antonio has never made me feel pressure to go one way or the other, he has only held space for me as I debated what to do, and encouraged me to do what feels right for me. He constantly reminds me, another 1-2 months out of work is nothing when it comes to the scheme of life and recovering from cancer. Do what feels right for you and do not worry about “being a burden,” we are here to take care of you and want to take care of you.

So I am going Diep! Javi keeps asking me, “mommy, when are you getting your new boomsies put back on?” I will find out Thursday (hopefully)!!! Once I know, I will post here and tell you all about this surgery and what to expect from it. It’s going to be tough, but I’m ready for this unexpected re-growth I get to experience.