I'm 40 - mammogram time!

So I went in for my first yearly mammogram screening (May 14th), not thinking much of it. Just a milestone to be conquered. The person told me I would get my results back in about two weeks.

Well, two days later, I got a phone call saying I need to come in for more imaging and a possible ultrasound. My heart raced as I got that phone call, called Antonio in tears, and then my sister to explain to me why the follow up. There were reasons for the follow up - possibly because my boobs were too big for the mammogram machine, or maybe I have dense boobs, or maybe because there was something there. My worry wasn’t too big at this time. It could be nothing or it could be something, but I’m not going to make it something until we know for sure.

May 21, I went in for my follow up mammogram. Antonio came with me because we didn’t know what to expect. I had to go back there by myself since I was at a Woman’s Imaging Center. They took a series of pictures in all sorts of angles - don’t know who thought of these angles nor positions! This was the one time I was grateful to have big boobs because the mammograms were never that uncomfortable for me. I just flopped those suckers up there and went in whatever position they needed them to be in. After that series of pictures, I had to go in a waiting room and wait for the radiologist to review my results to see if I needed to do an ultrasound. Of course, the radiologist decided it was necessary for me to get an ultrasound of my right breast. When the nurse told me, I broke down and cried in that cold, small waiting room. One thing I have learned by being a therapist is to let your emotions flow through your body, don’t hold anything in trying to be “brave,” brave means having the courage to be vulnerable and allowing your emotions to flow so they don’t get stuck inside. So I cried unapologetically. My partner still wasn’t allowed to come back with me. They then did the ultrasound. Finally, Antonio was allowed to come back to my room as I got the results. “There’s something, but it is probably nothing,” was the memo we got, “but we need to do two biopsies to confirm it is nothing.” They wanted to do an ultrasound biopsy on my left breast and a mammogram biopsy (stereotatic biopsy) on my right breast. Here’s a link to learn more about breast biopsies: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/breast-biopsy/about/pac-20384812 (I can’t figure out how to embed it into the text…)

Scheduled the biopsies for Thursday May 30th knowing that I would have to take a day off of work.

The radiologist then calls me Wednesday, May 29th, saying they decided I need to have a 3rd biopsy (an additional biopsy on my right side) and would have to reschedule me. I fell apart. More at the part of being rescheduled then needing a 3rd biopsy. I was pissed to say the least (I’m going to stay focus on this topic and maybe later you will get an entry about how angry I was that they reschedule me). So they rescheduled me for the following Friday, June 7th.

Antonio took the afternoon off. He dropped me off to get my biopsies - knowing it would be about three hours. He met up with a good friend at a coffee shop to work and to keep his mind distracted. I’m very grateful for her!

The ARA nurses and paramedics were incredibly kind and trauma informed (a bonus for me!) I got to experience two new procedures I never knew existed. This is when I’m grateful to be a therapist, I applied all my therapy tools into this procedure. I focused on muscle relaxation, to deep breathing, to escaping to my calm place (the mountains!). During that time, they decided I needed a 4th biopsy, so I left with 4 biopsies - two on the left side and two on the right side. When they were done, my body couldn’t stop shaking. They told me it was from the lidocaine - it’s like an adrenaline rush and it sure did feel like it! I texted Antonio to give him a heads up that I can’t stop shaking (and that’s okay) and that I am about to fall apart. As soon as I was discharged, I found Antonio waiting for me, he wrapped his arms around me and I just started to cry. When I left, I had a feeling I had cancer, but I didn’t know if that was my worse case scenario part playing in or my intuition.

I would say the worst side effect of the biopsies was the emotional toll it took on me. I was soar, but more emotionally exhausted. The following day, I stayed in bed, making a game plan on how I would respond if it were cancer and then took a 3-4 hour nap! Another entry to come - how my PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorder better known as postpartum depression) helped prepared me for my cancer.