A much over-due post

Oh my! I apologize it has been so long since I last did an update. I returned back to life in December and finding energy to post has been minimal. The Spoon Theory is my way of existence right now. I only have so many spoons to give and once they are used, I’m done. Good news is, I am using my spoons towards living life!

Cliff notes version of the last three months:

December: went back to work ¼ time, started pilates again, and started lymphatic massage therapy three times a week

January: attended a retreat on body containment and breath work using clay, increase work to ¾ time, continued with pilates, got a lympathic pump so now I do that everyday for 2 hours instead of going to lympathic therapy three times a week, got a suture abscess, and had to pack and prepare for vacation that we booked two days before my diagnosis way back in May.

February: vacation, another suture abscess, and follow up appointments!

SNAPSHOT UPDATES

Sleeping: Christmas Day was my first day to sleep in a bed since my surgery on October 8th (so about 10 weeks post-opp, give or take). Before that, I had been sleeping in a recliner. It felt nice to be back in my bed, but I still needed to be surrounded by a million pillows for comfort. I’m now 20 weeks post op and still prefer to sleep with all my pillows - is it just me or is it from the surgery? I think it’s just me and my preference - I love to sleep with pillows, stuffed animals, and blankets all around me! And an Antonio!

Fluoxetine aka Prozac: My last post I had just started to take fluoxetine, I’m now about 3.5 months in and loving it! I learned a lot about myself during postpartum that I would do differently if given the chance. Will, cancer has given me the chance and I’ve learned to speak up about my symptoms and what I am feeling, ask for help, and not be afraid to utilize resources that can help me during difficult times of transitions. So when my PCP recommended I take Fluoxetine to help me through all the transitions I am experiencing (body changing, going back to work, finances, family shifts, etc) I decided to give it a try because I did not want to go back down the same path I did postpartum.

I finally feel like I’m getting my zest back in life! I took the fluoxetine mainly to help with my car anxiety, but I’m benefiting from it in other areas of life. I noticed pretty quickly my brain fog lifted, I no longer have my running thoughts going through my head at night that come up with some pretty creative worst case scenarios, it no longer feels like a chore to go hang out with my friends, life just seems easier and lighter! As far as driving, ahh, it feels so nice not to be in complete fight or flight mode while in the car. Shifts I noticed while I’m driving: driving faster again (I became such a slow granny driver out of fear), no longer white nuckle fist holding the steering wheel, going off into lalaland while I drive (no longer hypervigilent scanning for every possible form of danger - now I’m just vigilent with a side of hyper), no longer paying the ridiculous toll fees so I can drive in the protected toll lane (I now feel safe again to drive in all the other lanes). It feels so good! I still get rattle, and still not 100% comfortable being a passenger, but I’m working on it. This week I start Biofeedback to really help my brain get out of fight or flight and to hopefully decrease the amount of times I feel rattled and all the worst case scenario events I can come up with while being in a car. I’m looking forward to Biofeedback and a different form of therapy!

Lymphatic: So with the removal of some lymph nodes, I am at a higher risk of lymphedema (swelling) so I wanted to be proactive and begin lymphatic therapy before lymphedema became a critical issue. I’m glad I did as I still have swelling in my trunk, it’s not painful nor does it keep me from living, but I do notice it, especially after working out or being on my feet all day. In December, I was seeing a lymphatic massage therapist three times a week to help with the draining of my lymphatic system. I loved these massages, but it was a time commitment. If you are looking for one, I go to LymphWell out of Cedar Park - they accept insurance! My measurements weren’t going down, and some days got bigger, so they recommended I get a FlexiTouch lymphatic pump. Best thing ever! I love my pump! And it is a time commitment. I’m “plugged in” for two hours every day. While I’m doing my arms and core, I am unable to use my arms, I just have to lay there and rest or watch tv. When I do my legs and core, I’m able to use my arms and hands, I have productive thoughts of writing my newsletter during this time, but most nights, I just lay there and fall asleep with the pump on my legs.

How long do I have to do this for? Only time will tell. My body might learn to self correct itself or it might always needs assistance with lymphatic drainage for life. Good news is, I don’t mind being plugged in, it’s a great way to slow down in life and being mindful of what’s happening in my body.

Saying No during the holidays: One of the hardest lessons/things I had to learn during recovery is saying “no” and cutting back. I just didn’t have the energy to attend all the events and to do do all the traditions. We only put up a 1/3 of our Christmas decorations and probably only attended 1/3 of all the festivity invites we received. It was bittersweet and I learned the magic of Christmas was still there! We also spent Christmas morning, with just the three of us, which was real special for us!

Doctor appointments in February: So the third week in February was a busy week for me. I had my 4 month follow up appointment with Dr. Potter who did my reconstruction and my 6 month follow up appointment with Dr. Sprunt who did my mastectomy.

First of all, Dr. Potter is a bad ass! Not only is she an expert in my reconstruction surgery, but she is also an advocate for her patients in the health care system. She worked incredibly hard to get laws passed so reconstruction surgery would be cover by insurance. Now, she is speaking up against the audacity of insurance companies and demanding change with solutions. We are so grateful to have her as my doctor and the change she is making in the world not only for those with breast cancer, but for anyone who has to deal with medical insurance.

During my appointment, Dr. Potter said everything is healing perfectly! There is no need for revisions unless if I want them. I don’t really see a need for any revisions at this time. My body is just as perfect as it was before (meaning, not perfect at all, but it’s me). I love my scars, it holds my story. I’m still swollen, so we shall see what happens to my body as it continues to heal. Her office said most healing and swelling happens in the first four months, but since I still had swelling at this appointment, they are thinking my body might be in the 6-12 month window for healing - which follows suit for me. Like I said earlier, my swelling isn’t that bad and barely noticeable, especially if you didn’t know to look for it!

After my appointment with Dr. Potter, I then had my appointment with Dr. Sprunt. I learned at this appointment, she will be doing yearly breast exams for me for at least the next five years. I can then decide if I still want to see her or just get exams at my annual appointments. I will be opting to see her even after my five year point - why cut the ties?! She’s also a bad ass!

The evening after my appointments, both of them were aired on CNN advocating for their patients and the barriers insurance companies hold in getting medical care. Proud patient!

I do see my medical oncologist in May, Dr. Hellerstat, for a follow up to the cysts on my liver and pancreas. I’ll get an MRI before that appointment to see what they’ve been up to and then a plan on what to do about them. In the meantime, I shall not think about this until they give me something to think about.

Working with Breath, Body and Containment in Clay Workshop: I brought the new year in attending this workshop. My goal was to help me reconnect to my body. After attending this workshop, this is now something I want to provide for Breast Cancer survivors who are going through so much body transition, to help them reconnect to their body and build a new relationship with it. Antonio said I came back from this two day workshop much lighter!

I used to think of my body as this private entity, now I have so much respect for my body and value it so much more. I even had Antonio take a topless photo of me (for topless Tuesday - a trend in the breast cancer community to celebrate our bodies) in South Africa at the Cape of Good Hope showing off my body! Something I would have never ever done 6 months ago, but it felt so right and freeing!

Suture Abscess: I got a suture abscess the first weekend in January and then again, while on vacation (first weekend in February)! When it first happened, it was kind of scary and your body knows something is not okay. You can feel it, but you can’t feel, but it feels like something is angry. It’s tender and puffy, and irritated. Both abscess had similar life cycles. About 24-48 hours of discomfort, with me thinking “there’s something wrong, it’s a little red, but not much else is happening.” And then a small bumps appears, and it gets more irritated. And then the bump ruptures and puss and blood gushes out like a real big full pimple. Then the next day it is followed by relief. And then scabbing, and then irritation and discomfort goes away. During the process it is kind of scary, because I have all these horrible images in my head from the internet about people’s incisions opening, but that never happened to me! it was about 4 days of irritation and discomfort and then it goes away. My biggest goal was to keep the area clean and warm water compressions as often as I could.

My doctor said suture abscess is nothing to be worried about and as it continues to heal, I might have a couple more. Woohoo!

(I opted to not post pictures of these)

Living Beyond Breast Cancer: new rhythm. new outlook. There will always be day to day reminders that I had breast cancer, especially since I don’t have feeling in my chest or abdominal region, regaining my stamina, and having to be plugged in every day. But to me, it was all worth it not to have to deal with cancer. We have a new rhythm to life. I go to bed earlier, prioritize our events, and have a deeper appreciation for family and community.

The fear of re-occurence will always be a part of me, but I have to ground myself in the present and with the facts. Re-occurance rate is super low with the path I took, and I get to see my oncologist every year for exams and sooner if I have any concerns! I’m being taken care of and no point in worrying until there is something to worry about. In the mean time, I’m living life while I am able!

side note: I’ve had this newsletter opened on my computer for the past week. There are more topics to write about, but if I wait until I write on these topics, this post will never get posted. So stay tuned to hear more about:

• Body Image: metrics and the filters in which we see ourselves

• Traveling at 16 weeks post-opp - would I do it again?! What helped me.

• Generally speaking - how our trip was!

• Family update - Millie, our dog, is currently the one that is struggling the most. it’s on our agenda to start taking her back to dog parks so she can release all her stored up energy from these past 6 months! She’s been naughty.