7 weeks post op DIEP

Reflection. Gratitude. Overwhelm.

I feel like these three words sum up the past couple of weeks for me.

Reflection.

I can’t believe I have been living in this world for the past 7 months. It feels like it has been a blink of an eye. These past 7 months have moved so fast with appointment on top of appointment, major life decisions upon decisions, two major operations, and a body transformation. I feel like we are all still trying to process it all.

Right now, I’m still trying to process the idea of cancer and how I was so lucky to have such a quick and “easy” encounter with it. How did I escape chemo? Its mind boggling. I’m so grateful, the other day I met someone else who has their own cancer story. This particular person, was male, and had kidney cancer. He had no idea he had kidney cancer and was going in for something else when they discovered his cancer. He was told he needed to get it out immediately or else it would probably kill him in three months. So of course, they said, “get it out!” They had to wait a month to get that immediate surgery. Once they removed the cancer (I think by removing his kidney)he was then cancer free. It was so refreshing talking to him the other night to know that I’m not the only one struggling the concept of “how did I escape cancer and not have to do chemo….is that fair?? is that right?? Is it even kosher to stay I had cancer??” It was nice to meet someone who shared the same thoughts as me. He also had a sense of humor which was refreshing as well. We were able to joke about our cancer together.

Another interesting thing through this surgery that I was not expecting was the grief that I would feel towards my C-section scar. I never knew the attachment I had towards it, until it was “gone.” I had so much pride in that scar and that scar was part of my story. For this surgery, she did my hip to hip incision on top of my c-section for minimal scaring. I knew it going in and I thought “smart thinking.” Now that it’s done, I’m like “ahh, I miss that little guy.” I’m still working on my narrative to honor that grief of my c-section scar.

But I am definitely not missing my old boobs! It feels so much better being smaller. And my new “goobs” actually feel like my own “boobs” so much, that it almost doesn’t even feel right to call them “goobs.” They are deserving of being boobs. I love them and they are me and they feel right. They are still swollen and healing, but I really do feel like this surgery has helped me feel whole again and I am so grateful for my choice and don’t have any regrets.

Gratitude.

So much gratitude this season. Happenstance that my journey is ending as we are going into Thanksgiving and the new year. Cancer has made be reprioritize my life - think about what’s really important and how do I really want to live and spend my time. It’s also really made me appreciate my friends, family, and community. From people we see daily, to people who I once saw daily, to people passing by, to others we’ve never met. I can’t say thank you enough to the prayers, financial support, food support, hang outs, texts, cards, etc. Every single act was felt and appreciated.

Overwhelm.

About a week and a half ago I got the clear to ease back into every day life. About 24 hours later, I became overwhelm and froze.

Before I got the clearance, I could start to feel my anxiety coming back. I no longer had to focus just on myself and “keeping myself alive.” My car anxiety started to come back with a revenge. When I met with my general physician doctor we talked about how life is going and then I mentioned I’m noticing an increase in anxiety. She said that makes sense post-cancer. We decided that I’ll start taking some prozac to help with the anxiety and all the transformations that are happening. She then also wanted me to start singular since my body was having such extreme responses to surgery (i.e. my rashes). She said I’m just a sensitive person. So I also started singular as well.

I noticed once I started taking them, my brain fog lifted, and in the car I was noticing more safety-ness in the car, then danger. Then all of a sudden, it switched and I was back to noticing all the danger in the car. I also noticed feeling fear whenever people just mentioned going somewhere in the car, I would get nervous for them.

So then some news articles popped up on my phone about how singular can cause high anxiety in people and a sense of panic. Will, let me tell you, 24 hours after Dr. Potter told me I could go back to life, that next night, I felt like I was on an urge of a panic attack. It was a Friday night and Antonio was hanging out with some friends watching the fight. I almost texted him to come home, but I didn’t. Instead, I grabbed my AlphaStim and turned on a light hearted, predictable Christmas movie to bring my body down.

I’ve decided to stop taking my singular to see if that is what was giving my body that response. and I’m really hoping the Prozac will help me settle in the car. I’m also going to start Biofeedback to see if that can help my body get out of fight or flight. I’m two weeks in of taking Prozac, hoping in 3 to 4 weeks I will feel a different.

This transition of going from recovery back to life is taking me back to post partum and helping me understand what happened to me as well as I transitioned from maternity leave back to work. I loved maternity leave and did not struggle with becoming a parent. Where I struggled was going back to work. Now I know why. I went from only having to take care of myself and Javi, napping during the day, people checking in on me, having time to make food, walking every day, to work. Getting up early, trying to get us both out the door in time for work, being responsible for 300 students plus parents and teachers, and then comuting back home with a tired , hungry baby and self. And then to do that whole process again, day in and day out. No more mid day naps, no more people helping us out, it overwhelmed me, plus my body going through hormone changes, lack of sleep, no wonder I got Post Partum Depression. I can feel the similar things happening now. I’m just grateful that now, I’m aware of my body, and not afraid to say I feel depressed or anxious, and have reached out for help.

Besides my car anxiety and feeling overwhelmed going back to life, I’m doing pretty well! We continue to find things to do together as a family, something all three of us have been craving! Our family feels lighter and we are feeling joy. Javi’s big explosive behaviors have left and now he is acting like a “typical” explosive kindergartener.

Family Fun.

Physically feeling.

Physically my body is uncomfortable. I think that is the natural consequence of adding more movement to your life. My incision is starting to feel irritated as I try to branch out of my sweats. My shorts wait band, lands where my incision is, and let’s just say, it doesn’t really like that. So I’m taking a break from clothes for the next couple of days, and just wearing super soft pajamas 🙂 

I got cleared to see a lymphathic therapist to help with the swelling. My abdominal region is pretty “congested” so she is helping my body drain and recovery. I see here three times a week.

I’m still sleeping in my recliner. I tried the bed. It was doable, but lots of waking up in the middle of the night trying to reposition myself to get comfortable. So I decided to back to the recliner.

My abdominal region still feels incredibly tight (which it will for a quite a long time). Over eating feels miserable. We had a feat at a friends house, and I got excited, and ate way more than I should have. Here I am three days later, still feeling full and uncomfortable. Back to small meals I go.

My back pain has pretty much gone away. Now I just notice tightness in my jaw and or neck. Lymphatic therapist thinks that’s from the swelling and it should go away soon. Fingers crossed!

I’m still working on my stamina. Have you heard of the spoon theory? That’s where I’m at. I only have so much energy to distribute a week, and once it’s out, it’s out. Right now my focus is on our family basic needs and family outings on the weekend. During the week, I spend most of my time resting.

I’ll go back to work in December. I’ll be going back part time so I’ll still have time to ease back into life and have time to rest.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Hug the ones you care about extra tight this season. Be grateful for the life you have, and live the life you want. It can all change in a blink of an eye - for the better or for the worse. I’m hoping cancer has changed our lives for the better now that we’ve made it through the storm.